One word that has always been my companion – loneliness. Yes, it is true; I could never find one single man who could be my man. And every time I tried to force myself to believe that I had finally found one, I was forced after a set of sad experiences, to accept that no – he is not the one. With a potent desire in me to love and to be loved and a mortal fear of loneliness, I stepped into your world – the world of grown up and wise men and women. As I turn back and look at what I was some 15 years back – I find a lean girl with deep, dark and eager eyes and an enormous heart. I find a tender half-bloomed flower eager to embrace life and its celebrations, its rituals, its colors and its joy – waiting for its share of sunshine, waiting for a man who would one day come rushing into her life and make her complete.
It is true, I confess, I grew up with books and romances and adventure tales in a family that gave me in inheritance a world of dreams and high ideals and values. As years rolled by, the sadness, the void, the unbroken silence was the only thing that remained unchanged.
I regret the loss. Fifteen years of futile quest – fifteen years all gone, gone . . . but not in vain. It was last year that I made my last effort and its failure brought me face to face once again with the most dreaded thing – that thing called loneliness.
And it was last year that I decided to face it – to face this dark void inside me and to fight for my share of happiness. And today I stand – single and happy and upright. I have decided to remain single for the rest of my life.
Why did I not marry? Because I could not find someone who could be my man and I cannot accept someone for whom my soul does not stoop with respect and regard. Yes – love is all about respect and restraint, which make it dignified and humane. Love without them is nothing but a mere animal passion and is destined to meet the fate of an empty useless wine bottle after its fulfillment.
My man? Well, I am sorry to utter the bitter truth, but I have so far failed to came across someone I can marry, someone who is truly a man – he who knows how to keep his head high, whose resolute fists tighten for a tough fight against all wrongs, whose heart swells with love and pity and compassion for the helpless people of my wretched land, whose love knows no bounds, who can embrace like a father, a son, a brother all who need strength and support. He – whose love would never be confined to me, whose bosom receives the tears of all who suffer, who is actually a fighter. Yes, a man whose strength does not rob him of his meekness, whose strong hands know how to touch the fragile petal, whose heart kneels only before beauty and truth, and who knows how to protect them – yes, he is my man.
But look at your world. I am sorry to say – I find it full of dwarfs and cowards and boneless beings who do not know how to live, how to love, how to cross their arms in a deep beautiful silence and restrain the rising surge of emotion inside, who don’t have the strength not to fall on my feet for the gratification of their thirst. They cannot handle me – the destructive storm that rages inside me, they cannot fulfill the undying thirst inside me for life and beauty and knowledge. Yes, I am a fighter, fighting for my motherland; I am a soldier, and only a soldier can be my man. Someone who would never ask for my freedom in return for his love, who would take me to the last rock of the wild sea and to the dangerous thousand feet high mountain edge; someone who would be able to keep pace with me when I fly like a storm and hold his breath when I lie motionless like the quiet starry sky high above.